By Pamela D Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

Are your parents at the point where the need for help is no longer optional? Have you talked to them about the subject and received a cold shoulder from one or both? Relationship difficulties are often at the root of challenges in accepting or discussing the need for care. These challenges exist not only between parental relationships but between relationships between children and their parents. Caregiving and long term care are subjects many find uncomfortable to discuss. Confronting our own mortality is difficult.

The challenge begins with the relationship between your parents. You lived with them as a child and likely remember which parent made most of the decisions, managed the finances, served as disciplinarian or organized the household. You may recall how well your parents managed or avoided conflict. These challenges do not become easier when parents age, they become more intensified, more prominent. And parents often resist when children suggest that they need help because they are the parent; it's their job to give their children advice, not vice versa. Nor do parents want to be reminded that they are aging and may need help.

Read more: When Relationship Difficulties Prevent Care Planning

By Pamela D Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

A meal site volunteer called to ask my assistance when she received a call from a woman who said she had no food and needed groceries. The volunteer provided a telephone number saying that the woman was at a neighbor's house and did not have her own telephone.

I called Mrs. Smith to ask how we might help, and to confirm she was calling from a neighbor's home. She promptly told me this was her telephone number, that she was at home and relayed her address. I asked if she had friends or family to help her and she replied no. She then went on to tell me that she was very, very hungry and needed groceries. Not knowing the real situation and having to rely on her words, I asked if I could meet with her to see what might be done.

Read more: When No Family Is Available to Care for a Parent

By Pamela D Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

Your parents are getting older, you see things slipping. The house is not as clean as it once was, your mother is increasingly forgetful, your father has lost weight, and you are concerned about their safety when they drive. So as a responsible child you bring up the subject. How do your parents react? They are angry. They feel like you're trying to tell them what to do. Yet you see that they need help now, not tomorrow. Unfortunately the help they want is you. The free time you want to spend with your spouse, your children and your friends. The money you had planned for a family vacation, your son's college education, and your own retirement.

Read more: Role Reversal – When Parents Resist

By Pamela D Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

I don't know what to do. I'm overwhelmed and feel helpless.

Where do I turn?

This is a problem many of us face when our parents grow older. You always think of them as independent and strong -- able to take care of themselves, but now you're starting to see signs. Little signs . . . stacks of unpaid bills, letters promising lottery winnings, a house that's not as clean as it once was, forgetfulness, weight loss, depression, loss of physical or organizational abilities, a dented car bumper, health issues that don't seem to be improving. You ask and hear exasperation in their voice, denial that anything is wrong.

Read more: My Parents Can't Take Care of Themselves Anymore

By Pamela D Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

In our busy world, caregiving can become a complicated task especially when multiple family members are involved. Who will take responsibility for what tasks? Often the majority of the work is delegated to the family member who has the most available time. Caregivers placed in this position feel that this is not always fair and that their brothers, sisters, or other family members take advantage of them. This resentment creeps into family relationships and sometimes results in the need for legal intervention.

The individual with the majority of the caregiving burden burns out and their health may fail. Statistics report that caregiver stress is at an all time high resulting in physical and emotional declines. Exhausted caregivers are taken to task by family members for not doing more. Or the caregivers themselves feel guilty that they are not doing enough to care for the family member. Many times this is a no win situation unless other family members will commit to providing support through time or money. Sometimes abuse occurs within the family and one individual takes liberties with mom or dad's bank account. Other times physical or emotional abuse occurs. The abuse, usually unintentional, results in a situation that escalates.

Read more: Family Dynamics Of Caregving

By Pamela D Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

A woman I know is losing her mind - she has Alzheimer's. However, despite the frustration, anxiety and fear she faces on a daily basis, she remains thankful. Thankful that her family survived the terrors of the concentration camps and were able to come to the United States. Thankful that she and her husband had a successful tailoring business and raised three children.

She spends her days now trying to remember, because as she says, "If I can remember, I feel good about myself." During the summer she spends her time gardening and has transformed her son's backyard into a mini botanic garden. The winters are not as enjoyable because she does not go out as much and few people come to visit. She sits looking out the window hoping to see someone walking down the street. She is slowing down. What used to take her thirty minutes to bathe and dress now takes her a couple of hours. Tears often come to her eyes because she remembers how able she once was.

Read more: Caregiving in This Season of Thanksgiving

By Pamela D Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it." This is a quote from Lou Holtz former Notre Dame Football coach. Caregiving (or anything we do) is difficult if that is how we see the task. Our attitude toward caregiving determines how well we will perform. To some, caregiving is a privilege, it is love, it is kindness, and it is the ability to return the care to a parent that we received as a child. To others caregiving is a burden.

Our mind is the most powerful tool we have, yet many of us take it for granted. What our mind believes we will most likely experience. A positive attitude is a learned attitude - it is the action of continually, habitually reinforcing and believing the positive and eliminating the negative from our minds. Maintaining a positive attitude takes work!

Read more: Caregiving – It’s an Attitude

How many times does your resident, client, co-worker or parent say, "kids today - I wonder what they're thinking?" If you're honest you might include yourself in this group -- never wanting to admit you're beginning to think like your parent. It's a scary thought! You see them on city streets, behind cash registers in your place of work. You try not to stare. Your eyes become fixated on a tattoo or maybe several piercings above the eyebrow, small metal rings clinging to a lip or nose. You wonder what is it that makes someone want to molest their own body?

Read more: Tattooed and Pierced: The Millennial Generation In Your Workplace

By Pamela D Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

May, one of the finest months of spring is the month of Mother's Day. For those of us who have lost a mother, this day ceases to be a day of celebration and becomes a day of remembrance. If we are a mother and have children it is both a day of celebration and remembrance. My mother passed away suddenly in March 1995 at the age of 69. I was 34 and her passing resulted in a total re-evaluation of my life and a career change to what I do today.

Today due to my occupation, I have many mothers, women friends who share stories and offer advice. I enjoy these women and my life would be less full without them. I look at myself at ages 20, 30 and 40 and reflect on the changes that have occurred in my life in each decade. These women, at age 70, 80 and 90 possess double the life experience, yet many of them are asked for their wisdom.

Read more: A Celebration of Mothers and Women

By Pamela D. Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

Most parents don't want to burden their children when it comes to care in their later years. Other parents expect their children to care for them. The best way to balance these expectations is to discuss options for long term care long before the care is needed and to make financial plans now to cover needed expenses.

An important consideration is that by the time your parents need care their future life expectancy may be only 2-3 years. At the time parents require care, a significant change in health has usually occurred: a broken hip, a heart condition, etc. The more severe the condition and the level of health the parent was at prior to the change indicates the length of time for recovery or at least stabilization or maintenance.

Read more: Making Plans for Aging Parents

By Pamela D. Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

I can imagine that just the title of this article might have raised some hairs on the back of a few necks or a few of you have decided just not to read on. While most parents don't want to be a burden, there are some that will be burdens because of their unwillingness to recognize their own disabilities and the toll that caregiving for their spouse is taking on them and their children.

During the past two weeks I've met with several families where the children have provided support for the parents and can't continue to do so because of their own obligations with family and their own children. These are truly heartbreaking situations because of stubbornness and the lack of willingness to compromise on the part of the parents. One wonders what type of disaster it will take to convince these parents to consider the suggestions and ideas of their children.

Read more: Do Parents Expect Too Much From Their Children?

By Pamela D. Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

Terry's parents are having more difficulty day by day caring for themselves. Her mother who was the main caregiver of the couple now has early Alzheimer's disease. Her father has mobility difficulties and is paralyzed by the thought of making any changes because his wife took care of all of the family business. He is in denial about the care his wife requires and simply ignores the changes that are occurring with her physically and mentally. They currently live independently at home with the assistance of a housekeeper who has taken on more tasks; however even this amount of care is not enough. Terry supplements their financial needs with her own income; however she cannot continue to do this indefinitely.

Read more: When Parents Can’t Decide