Do Parents Expect Too Much From Their Children?

By Pamela D. Wilson, The Care Navigator, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG

I can imagine that just the title of this article might have raised some hairs on the back of a few necks or a few of you have decided just not to read on. While most parents don't want to be a burden, there are some that will be burdens because of their unwillingness to recognize their own disabilities and the toll that caregiving for their spouse is taking on them and their children.

During the past two weeks I've met with several families where the children have provided support for the parents and can't continue to do so because of their own obligations with family and their own children. These are truly heartbreaking situations because of stubbornness and the lack of willingness to compromise on the part of the parents. One wonders what type of disaster it will take to convince these parents to consider the suggestions and ideas of their children.

In one example, both parents have Alzheimer's. This particular couple continually becomes lost while driving – despite the fact that they are totally incapable of driving safely. They went to the same medical appointment four times in one day because they couldn't remember being at the doctor's office. The local police discovered the husband walking, lost, blocks away from home. After discussions with the son and the parents, the parents would not agree to in home assistance because their memory loss was so advanced they could not remember any of the incidents. Unfortunately their disease is so advanced that it's impossible to reason with them. The only alternative for the son is to have his parents declared incompetent, take over Guardianship and conservatorship and have them removed from their home because they are a danger to themselves and others. Not the outcome the son had hoped for, but this family truly waited too long to address the issues.

A second family has one son whose mother cares for her husband. Again, a similar situation where emergency calls to the son occur several times a week and the son can no longer have work interruptions or interruptions in his personal life because he needs time for his wife and children. In spite of the fact that the son is willing to pay for care for his parents, they still resist the idea and want the son to do everything for them.

Digging in our heels is no solution to any problem. There comes a point in all of our lives where we must learn to compromise even though it may be difficult. Parents, if you see even one small bit of similarity in your situation to those above, know that your children care because they LOVE YOU! If you see nothing similar, then I commend you for being proactive and arranging your own care and allowing your children to live their own lives.

Your children are not trying to be disrespectful, difficult, pushy or ungrateful for everything you've given them. They're trying to do their best to work through a difficult situation and they need your support, help and cooperation. Please listen and be open to considering and accepting other possibilities for assistance. It's never too late to have a change of heart before your children are driven away due to anger and frustration.

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