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By Pamela D. Wilson, CSA, MS, BS/BA, CG, The Care Navigator
Your parents are getting older, you see things slipping. The house is not as clean as it once was, your mother is increasingly forgetful, your father has lost weight, and you are concerned about their safety when they drive. So as a responsible child you bring up the subject. How do your parents react? They are angry. They feel like you're trying to tell them what to do. Yet you see that they need help now, not tomorrow. Unfortunately the help they want is you. The free time you want to spend with your spouse, your children and your friends. The money you had planned for a family vacation, your son's college education, and your own retirement.
Sometimes your mother complains about the burden of caring for your father. Other times she tells you everything is fine. You spend as much time helping as possible, however it's never enough. You talk to your parents about retaining outside help, they hedge and refuse. What do you do? What can you do? Become frustrated. Get angry. Treat them like they are acting like children. You're losing sleep. Projects at work are slipping. You are distracted and worried your supervisor will see that things aren't quite right.
It's not easy to see the bigger picture when you are stuck in the mire. Caregiving is the new frontier. You feel you're making mistakes along the way and wish there was someone who could just tell you what to do, someone who can provide options.
Sometimes it takes a bit of tough love. Your parents refuse outside assistance because they still have you to depend upon. You become unavailable. You decide that you cannot be everything to everyone. You have your own family to care for, your own children. When they call for help, you are busy and remind them about the suggestion to obtain outside assistance.
So, the situation continues. Your parent or parents continue to make poor decisions in spite of the fact that you have stopped helping and they still refuse to hire paid assistance. You wish there was someone who could discuss the seriousness of the situation, someone who could explain the consequences and remove you from the middle.
Supporting resistant parents is difficult and can be extremely frustrating. Discussing the situation, reviewing options and setting boundaries - do you remember what it was like when your parents did this with you? The roles are now reversed. The Care Navigator specialize in supporting children and parents, and older adults in caregiving situations that begin with health care and spill over into many other areas of life by providing education and service coordination.
Copyright © 2009 Pamela D. Wilson All rights reserved. This publication may not be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic or electronic process, transmitted or otherwise copied for public or private use without prior written permission from the author. Website: www.thecarenavigator.com
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