Couples meet, marry, have children and continue to live in the family home. Children are born, grow up, move out of the house, get married, move away and have their own children. Parents continue their careers, retire and grow old gracefully. At least this is how life progresses in a perfect world. But we all know the world is not perfect. Couples are not always heterosexual. Children are adopted. Marriages end in divorce. Individuals remarry and meld children from previous marriages. Life becomes more complicated every day.
Fast forward to today. Your parents are in their 80's and have health issues. Your mother has several conditions: heart disease, diabetes, arthritis. Your father is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and they have been "covering" for each other for the past two years. You find bills unpaid, you're not sure they can navigate their healthcare issues and they certainly don't want to talk about the day to day challenges of caring for each other and their home.
In wedding vows we promise to love, honor, cherish and care until death do us part. When this involves caring for an incapacitated husband or wife what exactly does this mean? Does it mean no longer seeing friends, attending social activities, attending to our own health or living life as we once knew it? How far should we go in giving up our lives to care for another?
Spouses are torn between caring for themselves and a husband or wife. Many struggle with the "G" word – guilt – on a daily basis. We feel guilty because we do too little or too much. We feel guilty because we want and enjoy time by ourselves. It is very important to remember that if we do not care for and take time for ourselves NOW, we may not be able to take care of our spouse or ourselves later.
Read more: Until Death Do Us Part – The Duty of Spouses as Caregivers