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Couples meet, marry, have children and continue to live in the family home. Children are born, grow up, move out of the house, get married, move away and have their own children. Parents continue their careers, retire and grow old gracefully. At least this is how life progresses in a perfect world. But we all know the world is not perfect. Couples are not always heterosexual. Children are adopted. Marriages end in divorce. Individuals remarry and meld children from previous marriages. Life becomes more complicated every day.
Fast forward to today. Your parents are in their 80's and have health issues. Your mother has several conditions: heart disease, diabetes, arthritis. Your father is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and they have been "covering" for each other for the past two years. You find bills unpaid, you're not sure they can navigate their healthcare issues and they certainly don't want to talk about the day to day challenges of caring for each other and their home.
Your sister who lives in Florida comes to visit your parents two weeks of every year. She believes your parents are just fine; maybe starting to have a few difficulties but nothing significant. She thinks you're over reacting with concerns about your parents. You think they're compromised. You think they need more help than they do. You don't want them to remain independent. You're judgmental and too opinionated.
But YOU are the person who deals with their day to day difficulties and issues and you're losing patience not only with your parents but also with your sister. This situation occurs frequently because of the different relationships between parents and their children and between siblings and siblings.
I find myself in many of these situations. Not only have I experienced them in my own family when my parents were alive, I experience them with many other families sometimes as the "outsider". Sometimes introduced into the situation by the parents or one or another of the children, I can be viewed as supportive, empathetic, an expert, opinionated or judgmental depending on the eyes of the beholder. I am either the outsider or am welcomed into the situation.
So why bring in an outsider to solve "our" family problems? Sometimes because families don't have the specific expertise in the problem area, sometimes because family members are just tired. Tired of being the caregiver, tired of feeling taken for granted, tired of being at odds with parents or siblings or just plain tired of it all. Sometimes there is one individual who feels everyone else just isn't doing enough or isn't doing the right things or just wants to be in control. I've experienced this in my own family.
This occurs because situations become out of control. Parents have become involved in financial scams, have lost money, mortgaged homes, taken out loans and can no longer manage their finances. Sometimes because parents are cognitively impaired and cannot decide what is in their own best interests, like seeing a doctor and taking medications. Sometimes because end of life issues are imminent and no one wants to take responsibility or make necessary decisions. Sometimes because parents cannot manage their own day to day issues whether it's hygiene, medications, housekeeping or other projects.
Difficult or not, there is a benefit to allowing an "outsider" to observe a situation. Sometimes it brings to light situations or issues we don't really want to look at, which can be painful. Sometimes it makes situations easier having someone else provide information, make recommendations and take care of projects for which we don't have the expertise. Sometimes it helps to talk to an individual who has had a wide range of experience with similar situations. Sometimes it takes an "outsider" to pull the situation together and to help the family gain a broader perspective.
Whatever the reason, it's okay for families to need support navigating healthcare and other issues when the day to day becomes overwhelming. It's also important to remember that the "outsider" isn't the enemy although at times it may seem that way. It's the job of the outsider to bring up issues no one else wants to discuss and to discuss the difficult issues. Care navigation certainly isn't a role for everyone but it is a valuable role to support families. When or if you find yourself in a situation that's just gone too far, consider care navigation as a supportive solution.
Copyright 2011 Pamela D. Wilson, All Rights Reserved.
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